Time to declare an end to the war of all mothers

Just in time for Mother's Day: The mommy wars are over, although can a war end if it never existed?

Mommy wars — which supposedly pit stay-at-home moms against working moms — rage perennially in blogs, books, magazine stories and newspaper articles. Paths mothers walk is a legitimate conversation topic, of course, but according to at least one media critic, the virulent snarking over working or staying at home stems from a media-created war that preys on women's anxiety and guilt.

"The ballyhooed Mommy Wars exist mainly in the minds — and the marketing machines — of the media and publishing industry, which have been churning out mom vs. mom news flashes since, believe it or not, the 1950s. All while the number of working mothers has been rising," according to E.J. Graff, a researcher at Brandeis University's Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism, writing last month in The Washington Post.

At issue for Graff are trend stories about moms opting out of the work world — stories that propagate the "opt-out myth" or the "moms-go-home" storyline. She says the storyline is true for a small sector of women (white, well-educated, middle- or upper-middle-class with high-end jobs), but the narrative's prominence in media is a distortion of reality because 75 percent of mothers with school-age children work.

Now, before your pique rises, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom, "Here's why that matters," Graff writes in the Columbia Journalism Review:

"If journalism repeatedly frames the wrong problem, then the folks who make public policy may very well deliver the wrong solution. If women are happily choosing to stay home with their babies, that's a private decision. But it's a public policy issue if most women (and men) need to work to support their families, and if the economy needs women's skills to remain competitive. It's a public policy issue if schools, jobs, and other American institutions are structured in ways that make it frustratingly difficult, and sometimes impossible, for parents to manage both their jobs and family responsibilities."

Usually reluctant to blame the media, I can jump on this bandwagon.

Mothers cannot be reduced to the simple dichotomy of stay-at-home or working moms because most of us are shades of both throughout our lives, moving though full-time, part-time, no time and overtime. Often happily! A simplistic focus on us vs. them is a distraction from the real conflict journalists should examine: American institutions that disallow the flexibility life requires.

For example, Graff prompts journalists to ask: Why does middle school start at 7:30 and end at 2:15? It doesn't make sense for working parents now, and it didn't when I was in middle school 33 years ago.

When I was my kids' ages, I thought my mother was a lunatic at times. She'd slam doors or cry. Once, she threw her dinner out the back porch because someone — ahem — pestered for just a minute too long.

Now that I have children and a career, I can see why my mom threw her dinner out the back door. At times a stay-at-home mom but mostly a working mother, she was trying to figure out the right thing to do — by the children, the job, the family, the partner and by her own long-term happiness.

Did she put too much pressure on herself because of the opt-out myth then? Or was it the opt-in, women-can-have-everything myth? Or, was it simply that both of my parents had to work and damn if it wasn't stressful at times.

Some moms these days seem to have it figured out, yet when we pour that second glass of wine or linger after school to talk, the familiar strains of guilt and doubt emerge. In those moments, we turn to the durable mother network and pull together play dates, names of lawyers, résumés, after-school care, freelance work, a girls' night out — whatever that era of our lives requires. What mommy wars?

I recently asked a friend to name one cherished thing she got from her mother.

"Overwhelmingly what I got from my grandmother and my mother was pureness. I mean, when they were mad it was pure. And when they were tired it was pure. And when they loved me it was pure. Whole, real, from the heart, totally pure. No strings."

That's what we all want for our children and ourselves, job or no job. As much as we all care, it will happen. And if you feel like pitching your dinner across the room? Keep in mind you likely will have to clean it up, too.

Andrea Otanez is a regular contributor to Times editorial pages. She is the journalism instructor at Everett Community College. E-mail her at otaneza@gmail.com